Sexual Psychology – Critical Reflection #3 – Due Tues 11/24

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The Psychology of Human Sexuality, Second Edition. Justin J. Lehmiller.
© 2018 John Wiley & Sons, Ltd. Published 2018 by John Wiley & Sons, Ltd.
Companion Website: www.wiley.comgolehmiller2e

8

CHAPTER OUTLINE

Introduction, 201
Singlehood and Casual Relationships, 201

Sexuality Among Singles, 201
Hookups, 203
Friends with Benefits, 204
Singles’ Sexual Outcomes, 204

Love and Committed Relationships, 207
The Nature of Love, 207
The Nature of Commitment, 212
Varieties of Loving and Committed Relationships, 214

Why Do Some Relationships Succeed While Others Fail?, 220
Characteristics of Good Relationships, 220
The Dark Side of Relationships, 223
Coping with Breakup, 229

Intimate Relationships: Sex, Love, and Commitment

©privilege, 2013. Used under license from Shutterstock.com

Lehmiller, J. J. (2017). The psychology of human sexuality. John Wiley & Sons, Incorporated.
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­Singlehhod iod as g lg aShiaeSia 201

Introduction

Intimate relationships are a central aspect of human life. Psychologists theorize that this stems
from a need to belong, or a near-universal human desire to develop and maintain social ties
(Baumeister & Leary, 1995). The need to belong is very powerful, and developing strong social
bonds is vital to our physical and psychological well-being. Relationships with family, friends,
and various social groups help to fulfill this need; however, our sexual and romantic relation-
ships are at least as central (and some might argue even more central) to meeting our deep-
seated needs and desires for social connection. As some evidence of this, research has found
that having a high quality romantic relationship enhances personal health and longevity; in
contrast, people who are alone or who lose their partners not only tend to be in worse health,
but they tend to die sooner (Kiecolt-Glaser & Newton, 2001).

Although the drive to pursue intimate relationships is ubiquitous, the number and nature of
relationships necessary to fulfill one’s belongingness needs varies across persons. Some indi-
viduals prefer a series of relatively transient relationships that focus on sex and physical inti-
macy, whereas others prefer a single, stable relationship that emphasizes emotional intimacy.
As a result, intimate relationships take many different forms in adult life. One of the primary
goals of this chapter is to explore the various types of sexual and romantic relationships that
individuals pursue in the modern world and the degree to which they meet people’s needs. In
addition, we will consider the topics of sex, love, and commitment and the role that each of
these factors plays across different types of relationships. Finally, we will address both the posi-
tive and negative aspects of intimate relationships and the things you can do to enhance the
quality of your own personal relationships.

We begin by exploring variability in relationship type and status. We will talk first about
single living and relationships that focus on casual sex and then move on to discuss loving and
committed relationships.

Singlehood and Casual Relationships

Living single has become increasingly common among adults over the past few decades. In fact,
census data indicate that 27% of adult Americans are currently living single, a number that has
increased by two-thirds since the 1970s (United States Census Bureau, 2010). On a side note, the
Census Bureau defines “single” as someone who is unmarried and living alone. We will adopt
the same definition for purposes of this chapter, meaning that singles can be involved in relation-
ships, just not cohabiting or legally recognized relationships. Despite this increase in prevalence,
perceptions of singles remain largely negative. There is a widely held belief that singles are lonely
and that living life outside the context of a marital relationship is inherently unsatisfying (DePaulo &
Morris, 2006; for more on this, see the Digging Deeper 8.1 box). However, this is not necessarily
the case in reality. While some people find singlehood deeply depressing, there are others who
enjoy the freedom and independence it provides and can meet their sexual and intimate needs
through casual sex and dating. Thus, being single does not necessarily mean someone is socially
detached or inherently lonely. Below we explore just how varied the nature of singlehood is.

Sexuality Among Singles

Single persons run the gamut of sexual activity, with some being fully or partially celibate (i.e.,
intentionally abstaining from partnered sexual activity), and others having frequent sexual con-
tact with one or more partners. Believe it or not, people can be satisfied no matter where they

Lehmiller, J. J. (2017). The psychology of human sexuality. John Wiley & Sons, Incorporated.
Created from umuc on 2021-11-17 20:16:31.

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8 IiaSm al lg aShiaeSia: ­lx, Lhvl, iod hmmSamlia202

Digging Deeper 8.1 Why is it Socially Stigmatized to be Single?

If yhs rl aSingl, falr nr ods aShi aelrl Sai’a hil hcc aShi welrl ilhigl clglbr al yhs. . .
H ggm rk odhlai’a m kl “ hinr asg aShia, yhs odSodi’a m rry ael wrhin nsy” c rod. Aiod welrl’a
ael fg aw rl fhr nhSin hi v c aShi ghil?

Carrie Bradshaw (­lx iod ael Say)

Despite the fact that the marriage rate is in decline, most people continue to view the insti-
tution positively and think of marriage as the ideal relationship state (Thornton & Young-
DeMarco, 2001). Just look at how much money people are willing to spend on weddings and how
it remains a social custom to shower people with gifts when they get engaged or married. In con-
trast, people who are single or divorced are rarely (if ever) celebrated for their relationship status.

Being single is viewed as a “deficit” identity (Reynolds, Wetherell, & Taylor, 2007), meaning that
singles are perceived as incomplete because of their lack of a relationship. As if that were not bad
enough, singles are blamed for this perceived “deficiency.” For instance, in one survey of college
undergraduates, participants were asked to identify the most common characteristics associ-
ated with people who are married or single (DePaulo & Morris, 2006). Whereas married people
were described in a very positive light (e.g., as nice, honest, and mature), singles were typically
described in very harsh and negative terms, including lonely, immature, and ugly.

As a result of these negative stereotypes, people seem to feel that singlism (the scientific term
for prejudice against singles) is justified. In fact, people think it is more legitimate to discriminate
against singles than it is to discriminate against people based upon other personal characteris-
tics (e.g., race, gender, sexual orientation). Consistent with this idea, in one study, participants
were asked to evaluate a set of property rental applications and to select the applicant they

Figure 8.1 Single people are typically viewed and treated quite negatively in modern society. ©joseelias/
123RF.COM.

Lehmiller, J. J. (2017). The psychology of human sexuality. John Wiley & Sons, Incorporated.
Created from umuc on 2021-11-17 20:16:31.

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­Singlehhod iod as g lg aShiaeSia 203

fall on this spectrum. I know some of you may be asking yourselves how someone can really be
happy without sex, but this idea is not as far-fetched as it may sound. For instance, in chapter 6,
we discussed the notion of asexuality, a sexual orientation in which an individual simply has
no desire for sexual contact with others. Approximately 1% of the population is thought to be
asexual (Bogaert, 2004), and for such individuals, a lack of sexual activity is not problematic at
all. Likewise, for individuals who have decided to practice celibacy, some may find the lack of
physical intimacy distressing; however, others may discover the experience is positive because
it provides opportunities for self-reflection and development. Thus, singles do not necessarily
have to be sexually active in order to be happy and they can potentially meet their belonging-
ness needs through nonsexual relationships.

That said, most singles are sexually active and these individuals can pursue many different
types of sexual relationships in order to meet their needs and desires. Below, we consider just a
few of their relationship possibilities.

Hookups

Singles sometimes engage in hookups, or one-time sexual encounters among persons who
do not know each other on a deep emotional level (Paul & Hayes,  2002). Such encounters,
also known as “one-night stands” often emerge after an evening at the bar or after a party.
Indeed, research finds that hookups are strongly associated with alcohol use (Paul, McManus,
& Hayes, 2000). After a hookup, there is usually no expectation that any kind of relationship
will develop, although it is not unheard of for casual sex to precipitate love.

People vary considerably in the frequency with which they hook-up with others. For instance,
in a study of college students, the self-reported number of hookups over the course of a year
ranged anywhere from 0 to 65 (Paul et al., 2000). Thus, some people hook-up far more often
than others. In this same study, researchers found that 78% of male and female students had
hooked up before, and among those who had done it at least once, the average number of
hookups was 10.8. However, it is worth noting that hookups comprise a wide range of sexual
activities and that sexual intercourse may or may not occur in a given encounter. In fact, most
of the hookups reported in this study involved sexual activities other than intercourse.

Although a high percentage of both men and women report having hookups, research
has found an important sex differences in how those experiences are perceived. Specifically,
men (84%) are more likely to report having enjoyed their hookups than are women (54%;
Campbell,  2008). Women are more inclined to report regretting their experiences, perhaps
because of the sexual double standard, or the idea that women are judged more harshly than
men for sex outside of a committed relationship.

Digging Deeper 8.1 (Continued)

would prefer to have as a tenant (Morris, Sinclair, & DePaulo, 2007). Participants overwhelmingly
chose married couples over single people and stated that they based their decision largely upon
the applicants’ marital status. Thus, people do not even feel ashamed or embarrassed to admit
holding this bias. This may stem, in part, from the fact that this kind of discrimination is legal in
many parts of the United States and a number of other countries.

In short, as long as people continue to put marriage and other long-term, committed rela-
tionships on a pedestal, we can expect that those who are unattached will continue to be “sin-
gled out.”

Note: Reprinted with permission from ­lx iod Paycehghny (www.lehmiller.com).

Lehmiller, J. J. (2017). The psychology of human sexuality. John Wiley & Sons, Incorporated.
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8 IiaSm al lg aShiaeSia: ­lx, Lhvl, iod hmmSamlia204

While much has been said and written about so-called college student “hookup culture” in
the United States, it is important to note that college students today actually appear to be hav-
ing less sex and fewer partners compared to generations past (Monto & Carey, 2014). Students
today are somewhat more likely to report having had casual sex, but the change is modest and
the overall trend we see is that students are not having as much sex. Thus, the “hookup culture”
claims would appear to be overblown.

Friends with Benefits

In contrast to the one-time nature of most hookups, singles also have the option of pursu-
ing an ongoing sexual relationship with the same person. This can take many different forms,
including “booty calls,” “fuck buddies” (by the way, that is a scientific term), and “friends with
benefits” (FWBs) (Wentland & Reissing, 2011); however, that last one appears to be especially
common. FWBs are usually defined as people who have a rather typical friendship, aside from
the fact that they occasionally have sex (e.g., Bisson & Levine, 2009). However, research indi-
cates that the term “friends with benefits” does not mean just one thing. In fact, there may be
as many as seven distinct types of FWBs depending upon the motivations and intentions of the
partners involved. See the Digging Deeper 8.2 box for more on this.

Studies of college students have reliably found that approximately half of the participants
sampled reported having had one or more FWBs in the past (Bisson & Levine,  2009). Fur-
thermore, these relationships appear to be on the rise. Whereas 55.7% of U.S. college students
reported having had sex with a friend in the late 1980s and early 1990s, that number jumped
to 71% by 2012 (Monto & Carey,  2014). Also, like hookups, there is an association between
alcohol consumption and sexual contact with a FWB (Owen & Fincham, 2011). However, these
relationships are by no means limited to the college crowd. In fact, Internet studies have found
that adults in their 50s and 60s have these relationships too and, furthermore, that FWBs span
a wide range of demographic groups (Lehmiller, VanderDrift, & Kelly, 2011).

It should come as no surprise that the most commonly reported reason for beginning a FWB
relationship is regular access to sex. However, according to a study by Lehmiller and colleagues
(2011), men are more likely than women to cite sex as their primary motivation for having a
FWB, whereas women are more likely than men to cite “emotional connection” as their primary
motivation. The sexes also diverged when it came to how they hoped their relationship would
develop over time. By and large, men wanted to remain FWBs as long as possible, whereas most
women hoped their relationship would ultimately revert back to a friendship or evolve into a
romance. In fact, 43.3% of women in FWBs expressed hope that their FWB would eventually
turn into a “real” relationship (by comparison, only 23.7% of men desired the same outcome).
Thus, men are more likely to see FWBs as a relationship end-state, whereas women are more
likely to see them as a means of beginning an interdependent and committed type of relation-
ship (VanderDrift, Lehmiller, & Kelly, 2012). Do such relationship transitions ever happen? Yes,
and perhaps more often than you might think. A study of college student dating relationships
revealed that approximately 1 in 5 participants reported being FWBs before they became roman-
tic partners (Owen & Fincham, 2012). This study found that whereas partners who were FWBs
before they became lovers were somewhat less satisfied with their relationships, they were no
more likely to break up over time than were romantic partners without prior FWB experience.

Singles’ Sexual Outcomes

Hookups and FWBs are just two of the potential relationship options available to singles.
Beyond this, singles may also be actively dating or pursuing a committed relationship. Dat-
ing relationships can either be exclusive (i.e., monogamous) or nonexclusive (i.e., consensually

Lehmiller, J. J. (2017). The psychology of human sexuality. John Wiley & Sons, Incorporated.
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­Singlehhod iod as g lg aShiaeSia 205

non-monogamous). Persons who pursue a pattern of entering and exiting sexually exclusive
relationships are known as serial monogamists. It is worth noting that whereas some singles
may only pursue one type of relationship at a time (e.g., hookups or dating), others may pursue
multiple types of relationships simultaneously (e.g., dating someone but having a FWB at the
same time). Consequently, the sex lives of singles are highly variable.

Digging Deeper 8.2 Are There Different Types of “Friends With Benefits?”

“Friends with Benefits” (FWBs) are usually thought of as relationships in which two good friends
decide to become sexually involved. This is how they are most often depicted in the popular
media, such as in the films Nh ­arSina Aaa celod and FrSlioda wSae BlilfSaa. However, research sug-
gests that FWBs are much more complicated than this and do not necessarily represent just one
thing. In fact, according to a study by Mongeau and colleagues (2013) there may be as many as
seven distinct types of FWBs!

In this study, 177 heterosexual college students were asked to define what a “friends with ben-
efits relationship” means to them in their own words. Researchers analyzed the content of these
definitions and uncovered the following varieties of FWBs:

1) True Friends This most closely matches what people think of as a traditional FWB (i.e., close
friends who happen to have an ongoing sexual relationship). This was the single most com-
mon type of FWB participants reported having personal experience with.

2) Just Sex This one is exactly what it sounds like: a sexual relationship that offers little more than
the occasional sexual fling. There is no true friendship in this case—it is all about the “benefits.”

3) Network Opportunism In this setup, the partners share a common network of friends and
hang out sometimes. However, they are not necessarily good friends and mostly hang out in
situations where alcohol is being consumed. The partners tend to serve as “safeties” or “back-
ups” for each other on occasions when neither person has found another sexual partner for
the evening.

4) Successful Transition In These are cases where people reported intentionally using a FWB as
a way of starting a true romance and succeeded in making the switch.

5) Unintentional Transition In These are cases where people reported accidentally or uninten-
tionally going from being FWBs to romantic partners. Whoops! This is how things often seem
to end up in the movies: media depictions suggest that FWBs can only go on so long before
people start having romantic feelings for each other.

6) Failed Transition In This is a situation in which people reported that either one or both part-
ners wanted to turn their FWB into a true romance, but failed to make a successful conversion.

7) Transition Out In these cases, people reported that they broke up with a romantic partner,
but then became FWBs for at least a while afterward (i.e., they had “ex-sex”).

As you probably noticed when reading about these different types of FWBs, there is only
one thing they all have in common: sex. Other than that, they are quite distinct in terms of
the amount of emphasis placed on the friendship, frequency of interaction, and what the
partners want.

Please keep in mind that this research is limited in that it primarily examined heterosexual col-
lege students. Thus, we do not know whether the same variation in FWBs exists among people
of different sexual orientations and ages. Although we still have much to learn about FWBs, it
seems safe to conclude that this type of relationship is much more complicated than many of us
ever thought!

Note: Reprinted with permission from ­lx iod Paycehghny (www.lehmiller.com).

Lehmiller, J. J. (2017). The psychology of human sexuality. John Wiley & Sons, Incorporated.
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8 IiaSm al lg aShiaeSia: ­lx, Lhvl, iod hmmSamlia206

Although being single comprises a wide range of relationship states, one thing is clear from
the research: on average, singles tend to be less sexually satisfied than people who are mar-
ried or involved in more committed relationships. Despite the glamorous nature of singlehood
depicted in television shows such as Sex in the City, singles report less frequent sexual activ-
ity and lower levels of sexual satisfaction compared to their married counterparts (Laumann,
Gagnon, Michael, & Michaels, 1994). In addition, single women are less likely to reach orgasm
with casual partners than with committed partners. As some evidence of this, one survey of over
14,000 female college students found that just 11% of women reported orgasming during their
most recent hookup if they had no previous sexual experience with that partner (Armstrong,
England, & Fogarty,  2012). Among women in romantic relationships of at least six months
duration, that number was 67%. What accounts for this “orgasm gap?” One reason is because
sexual activities that increase the odds of female orgasm (e.g., cunnilingus) are more likely to
occur in committed relationships than in casual encounters. In addition, long-term partners
learn how to please each other better. Some have also argued that there is a sexual script that
values male pleasure over female pleasure in the context of hookups.

Beyond this, research has found that FWBs tend to be less satisfied and have lower lev-
els of sexual communication than people involved in committed romantic relationships
(Lehmiller, VanderDrift, & Kelly,  2013). However, all of this should not be taken to mean
that singles are inherently dissatisfied with the sex they are having or with the quality of
their relationships; rather, it appears that singles are satisfied overall, but just not quite
as satisfied as people in more committed relationships. Moreover, for those singles who
do have an unsatisfying sex life, getting married is not necessarily the solution because
sexless marriages certainly exist. In fact, according to the National Health and Social Life
Survey, approximately 1 in 7 married adults report having had little to no sex in the past

Figure 8.2 Friends with benefits frequently try to maintain an intimate and sexual relationship without
developing romantic feelings; however, they are not always successful in doing so. ©vgstudio/123RF.COM.

Lehmiller, J. J. (2017). The psychology of human sexuality. John Wiley & Sons, Incorporated.
Created from umuc on 2021-11-17 20:16:31.

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Lhvl iod hmmSaalod lg aShiaeSia 207

year (Laumann et al.,  1994). Maintaining high levels of sexual activity and satisfaction in
marriage requires work, a topic we will return to at the end of this chapter.

One final note about singles is that some of their sexual behaviors pose important health
risks. In particular, research finds that people who engage in hookups (Paul et al., 2000) and
FWBs (Lehmiller et al.,  2013) have far from perfect condom use and seem to have a higher
than average number of sexual partners. Such behavior, coupled with increased alcohol use
and (potentially) impaired decision-making (Owen & Fincham, 2011; Paul et al., 2000), poses
a significant risk in terms of contracting and spreading sexually transmitted infections and
could potentially result in unintended pregnancies. Serial monogamists face a similar risk
because they often hold the mistaken belief that monogamous people do not need to use
protection (Misovich, Fisher, & Fisher, 1997). The issue here is that serial monogamists often
jump from one relationship to the next (sometimes very quickly) without being tested for
infections in between, and while they may use condoms at first, this behavior rapidly drops off
in a new relationship as the partners come to trust each other (Critelli & Suire, 1998), thereby
creating infection vulnerability. Thus, it is important for singles of all stripes to recognize the
need for consistency in safer-sex practices and to avoid falling prey to false feelings of security.

Love and Committed Relationships

At the other end of the relationship spectrum, we have loving and committed relationships.
These are relationships where there is usually some sexual component, but also a very deep
emotional and intimate aspect to the relationship. Let us begin by defining what psychologists
mean by the terms “love” and “commitment” and consider some of the major theoretical per-
spectives. These theories will provide the necessary backdrop for understanding when and why
relationships succeed or fail. After we describe these theories, we will discuss just how diverse
loving and committed relationships can be.

The Nature of Love

Everyone thinks they know what love is, but in actuality, it is difficult to pinpoint a singular
definition of this concept that all of us would agree with because love is very subjective and
means different things to different people. For instance, some people view love as an emotion
and describe it in terms of how they feel when they are around someone else. In contrast, other
people define love as a behavior and describe it in terms of the things they would do or the
sacrifices they would make for another person. Given this variability in definition and mean-
ing, we will define love very broadly for purposes of this chapter as a special set of cognitions,
emotions, and behaviors observed in an intimate relationship. Thus, love is something that
influences how we think, act, and feel toward another person.

Psychologists typically discuss love as consisting of two distinct subtypes: passionate and
companionate (Hendrick & Hendrick,  2003). Each type of love encompasses a unique set of
feelings, thoughts, and behaviors.

Passionate Love
Passionate love is an all-consuming psychological and physiological state. At the cognitive
level, it is characterized by an almost obsessive preoccupation with the other person (i.e., you
cannot stop thinking about your loved one), as well as an overly idealized view of your partner
in which you fail to recognize and acknowledge that person’s flaws. Emotionally, it is character-
ized by an intense sexual attraction, as well as frequent feelings of excitement and ecstasy in the
partner’s presence; however, when separated, feelings of sadness can be extremely intense. In

Lehmiller, J. J. (2017). The psychology of human sexuality. John Wiley & Sons, Incorporated.
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8 IiaSm al lg aShiaeSia: ­lx, Lhvl, iod hmmSamlia208

addition, at the physical level, it is characterized by elevated heart rate, sweating, “butterflies”
in the stomach, blushing, and other general signs of heightened arousal. While all of these
feelings may be very strong in the early stages of a loving relationship, their intensity tends to
decrease over time.

As you may have found in your own life, passionate love is something that usually devel-
ops before you know your partner very well. During this time, potential warning flags might
emerge, but because our feelings for the other person are so intense, they lead us to overlook
the other person’s faults and to ignore potential relationship problems. As a result, this type of
love has very little in the way of logic behind it. It is partly for this reason that passionate love
tends to be a rather brief, transitory state that may only last for a period of weeks or months.

One of the keys to relationship success is to recognize that those early butterflies usually do
not go on forever, which means it is generally advisable to avoid getting swept away and rushing
into marriage because those initial feelings of passion do not guarantee long-term relationship
success. Such relationships work out sometimes, but they often do not. As a personal example,
from the day my parents met until they got married was less than six months and they are
still together today; however, I have a close relative who followed an almost identical path to
marriage and was divorced within a year. Some amount of disillusionment inevitably sets in as
passion begins to subside, which forces couples to shift the foundation of their relationship to
something more stable. The quote below from the book Captain Corelli’s Mandolin captures
this idea far more eloquently than I possibly can.

Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when
it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether …